It’s weird to be writing on this blog. I created it years ago but in the process of picking up the scattered pieces from a broken heart, I forgot my password and after a few fruitless attempts, abandoned the whole blog idea entirely and conceded to that small voice in my head which said that I probably didn’t have anything good to write anyway. It was the same voice that caused a hundred journals to go unfilled, as they sat collecting dust on the bookshelves made by my father, waiting until I had the perfect words to fill them.
I didn’t want to ruin them with my own inadequacies and inefficiencies. I didn’t want to spoil the crisp and clean lined pages with misspelled words, grammatical errors, and chaotic handwriting. I didn’t want to be reminded of my mistakes with every word, sentence, or paragraph crossed out with harsh pen strokes. I didn’t want to admit the fact that everything I wrote wasn’t perfect the first time around, that I was a ridiculous human with a messy soul and a slightly crooked heart.
But I am a ridiculous human. I cry at most movies and happy songs. I think graveyards are romantic. I tried hiding my wounds from those who care about me, and I felt the sting of them reminding me that they will not be ignored. I fail at loving on the regular, but I still keep trying. I believe in beauty, I believe in fairy tales, and I believe that good will always triumph. But sometimes I forget. The messiness of my life can drive me absolutely crazy, but I am usually just glad that my mess has a heartbeat and working lungs.
I am a ridiculous human and I see now that I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So this blog is for the words I missed sharing, for the stories I never told, and for the part of myself I was afraid to give others.